I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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