just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
