Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
