I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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