Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
