I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
