i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
