I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
