When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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