So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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