so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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