One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
