you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
