Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
