my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
