I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
