There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
