I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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