What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
