so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
