its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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