at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You're like the curious george of whores
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
