Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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