I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
