I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
