like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize