btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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