i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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