2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
