Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
