my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
