The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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