he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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