Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
