You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
