she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
smell my finger.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And then he peed in my hair
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