The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
