Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
