I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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