You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
