im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
