i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
