hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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