Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize