mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
