So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
