I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
