I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
