How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
