well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
