She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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