Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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