I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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