i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize