My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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