After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
