it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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